Kotaku: Z-day

Glocker Z-Day Round-Up

brownlee — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 13:40:16 MDT

On March 28th, 2006, a strange Venusian satellite streaked an eerie fluorescent parabola across the sky, irradiating the world's cemetaries, funeral parlors and abattoirs with an extraterrestrial radiation. Four days later, the dead walked, slavering for human flesh and tasty brains. And we were here covering it.

Just in case you missed Saturday's day-long coverage of the zombie apocalypse on the Glocker sites (the agglomeration of vaguely tech-oriented sites on the Gawker network, containing Gizmodo, Lifehacker, Consumerist and Kotaku), here's a round-up of all the posts made on April 1st. Gizmodo became Gizombo. Lifehacker became Deathhacker. The Consumerist became The Flesh Consumerist. And Kotaku got a zombified subtitle.

The full list of Z-Day posts across all sites is after the jump:

Kotaku: Making Your Last Life Count [Kotaku]
Gizombo: Keeping Readers Living [Gizmodo]
Deathhacker: End of the world? Yeah, Right [Lifehacker]
Announcement: The Flesh Consumerist [Consumerist]
Miyamoto Announces Nintendo DSkin [Kotaku]
American McGree Announced American McGee's Hansel and Gretel [Kotaku]
WoW Alliance Dwindles As Players Transition To Undead [Kotaku]
After Z-Day, Sony Confident There Will Be No PS3 Shortages [Kotaku]
Will Wright's Spoor [Kotaku]
Morning Deals Round-Up [Consumerist]
Wal-Mart Big Boxes Serve As Zombie-Invulnerable Forts [Consumerist]
McDonald's Can't Keep Up With Undead Demand [Consumerist]
Companies Replace Indians With Zombie CSRs [Consumerist]
Use Google Maps To Track Zombies In Your Area [Lifehacker]
Ask MetaFilter Roundup [Lifehacker]
Picking the right tool for the job [Lifehacker]
Zombism obviating social networking services [Lifehacker]
Geek to Die: How-To Date The Dead [Lifehacker]
Zombie Survival Guide [Gizmodo]
Winchester XXX-Magnum Zombie-Killing Shotgun Shells Flying Off Shelves [Gizmodo]
Hemopurifier: Human-Powered Blood Filter [Gizmodo]
Crowd Control: Toro Lawn Boy 10367 [Gizmodo]
Jetlagged? Turn into a zombie [Gizmodo]
Zombie Hand Holds Leash, Flips Bird for You [Gizmodo]
Chomp! MDS Silver Bullet Rock Bucket [Gizmodo]
Essentials: Snowpeak Titanium Spork [Gizmodo]
Neptunic Bite-Proof Sharksuits [Gizmodo]
Crowd Control: Stihl HT 100 Pole Pruner [Gizmodo]

We hope all you guys dug it!

Kotaku: Making Your Last Life Count

brownlee — Sat, 01 Apr 2006 11:45:49 MST

The day we've all been waiting for is here: the day when all of our virtual combat skills carefully honed through endless hours of Doom and Half-Life finally pay off. While our peers got good grades in school and pursued their now laughably-worthless MBAs and PhDs, we honed our minds and reflexes for the zombie apocalypse we all knew just had to come. The gelatinous cocoons of our flabby corporeal frames have finally burst open, revealing the bad-ass zombie killer gestating inside all along.

We don't know why the dead have suddenly awoken to feed upon the spurting bowels of our friends and loved ones. Perhaps the NASA space probe that streaked through the sky on the ides of March, seeding the earth with reanimating Venusian microbes has something to do with it. Maybe there's just no more room in hell. Maybe God wants to teach us a lesson. We don't really fucking care why the dead walk the earth. All we know is that Jack Thompson was right: video games have turned us into ruthless and efficient killers. And now we're humanity's last hope. Who's laughing now, Jack?

We're not going to lie to you here. If your last sight is two zombies playing the kissing game while gnawing at opposite ends of your intestinal tract, you're not going to be able to just pump another quarter into the machine. It's Game Over for real. This is Iron Man mode we're talking about. But until then, Kotaku's going to be here, giving you all the inside gamer's tips and tricks to make your last life count.

Miyamoto Announces Nintendo DSkin

brownlee — Sat, 01 Apr 2006 02:32:14 MST

Always pallid, toneless and corpse-like, we weren't surprised when legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto punched his claw-like hand through Nintendo President Saturo Iwata's chest cavity and began feasting on the steaming sweet meats inside. Miyamoto quickly took control of Nintendo Japan afterwards. At a recent press brunch, he briefly outlined his future plans for the company.

Using a chilled spoon to daintily scoop iced brains out of the screaming skull of Kotaku ex-staffer Brian Ashcraft, Miyamoto-zonbi-san first announced a new model of the Nintendo DS. Deemed the Nintendo DSkin, Miyamoto bragged that it would be the first edible Nintendo console. After ripping off an adjacent journalist's finger, Miyamoto demonstrated the device's improved stylus input, as well as the new built in camera, created with an actual human eyeball. Lovingly crafted with infected human flesh, Miyamoto stressed that the built-in mouth, ears and cerebral cortex would allow gamers "to experience unparalleled interactivity and processing power." A new chat game will also be bundled with the device, allowing gamers to talk with the tormented soul trapped inside.

Miyamoto-zonbi-san also demonstrated the new direction of Brain Age: "We've decided to go in an entirely new direction. Gamers don't want to strengthen brains, they want to eat them. Nintendo will give them what they want."

We're intrigued, but quickly coming on the heels of the release of the Nintendo DS Lite, the DSkin seems like another cynical money-grab from a company that is squandering gamer good will not just by eating us, but our wallets as well.